Had a hard time going to sleep last night. I kept tossing and turning and then I finally just gave up on trying to sleep so I just laid there staring up into the darkness. It was very dark at first. To the point where I could not see my hand in front of my face but after awhile my eyes adjusted to the light that was seeping through my window drapes and I was then able to make out the shapes of my ceiling fan and the ceiling.
Then from somewhere in my mind the words “i love you so much” were pushed out through my lips. But to who was I saying this to? I was alone. I wasn’t talking to God nor myself. Then it occurred to me that this was not the first time this has happened to me. I remembered that sometimes during my long early morning showers as the hot water is running over my face, the words come out. Maybe I had suppressed the memory of saying this out loud to no one but it was all coming back to me. It made me sad. It’s making me sad.
As time passed I think I started to realize why words like that come out of me subconsciously. I miss saying that to someone. More then that, I miss having the feelings, emotions and actions that are associated with those words.
Maybe having that realization helped me sleep because those are the last thoughts I remember having.